The MaD BLoNdZ Top Ten In-Flight Peeves

I spend an inordinate amount of time on very long flights. Most of these flights are uneventful, which means everything went pretty quietly. Once in awhile, however, I get seated next to a clueless moron. Such was the case on my recent flight from Melbourne, Australia to Hong Kong. Quite a few of these Top Ten Airline Peeves occurred on that lone flight….

Before getting into this discussion of flights, let’s make it clear that this isn’t about your regular charter flight dubai to Mumbai trip but something that would tell you about the peeves on flight and how to deal with them.

1) Don’t talk to me. Oh an occasional comment is fine and dandy. I am not a total bitch… but do not tell me your life story. I don’t care. This kid of about 19 would not shut up no matter what I did. He has no clue how close to being thrown off the plane mid-air he came. We are talking over 9 hours of non-stop hyperactive babbling. Do not do this. It is dangerous to your health.

2) If you simply cannot keep your damn mouth shut, at least stop long enough to listen to the damned in-flight announcements… and let me listen to them.

3) Do not ask for a stranger’s email address. Look. That’s just rude. It puts the person (moi) in an awkward situation. If you feel the need to hand over your email, fine. But do not ask for mine… and no, I really do not want to watch your latest brilliant mini-movie on the Internet so don’t send me a link.

4) I am sure the movie you are watching is quite hilarious, but please keep the loud incessant braying to yourself as much as possible. Especially on over-night flights… folks are trying to sleep! Grrr Argh

5) You have your seat. I have my seat. The space in front of our seats is for our stuff and our feet. The space in front of my seat is not for your feet. Get it?

6) You are not special. If there is an announcement of a delay, then it is a delay for all of us. The entire plane. Getting up and storming up to the attendants to demand you get special treatment upon landing will get you hurt. Badly.

7) You are still not special. Do not ask to be moved next to an empty seat so you can sprawl your crap there. You see, that empty seat is next to ME. I was there first, damn it. Telling me it is now your special extra space because you asked to move there will get you hurt. Ask the guy on the Hong Kong to London flight. He learned. heh.

8) If there is a long line to the toilets, do not wash and style your hair. People have to piss, damn it. Get over yourself. We all had a long flight. Do your prissy shit after you land, or at least have the courtesy to wait until there is no line for the flight privy.

9) Airplanes are not the place to solicit donations to your pet cause. Actually, no place is good for that. I am sure it is a great cause, but it is not my cause. I give a lot. A whole helluva a lot. All year long I give. I give where I damn well please and to my own pet causes. Your freakin attempted guilt trip doesn’t work with me, it just pisses me off to the point that even if I were inclined to give to your cause, I sure won’t now!

10) Your little annoyed tongue ticking and stupid noises are WAY more annoying to the rest of us than that kid’s temporary snivelling when his ears pop. Don’t make me hurt you.